Opositional Defiant Disorder and the Inner Child

Mindful March is making me mildly mad, maybe. I've been working hard on paying attention. Noticing things, being you know.....mindful. Interesting things come up when you pay attention.

When I don't eat, I get hungry. Now I know that normal people notice this every day all the time, but me and my sisters with disordered eating eat because we're stressed, or bored, or because you know, it's time to eat. Or because someone made coffee cake or put out chips and salsa. Or because we decided not to eat, so then it's all we can think about.

But you can just wait until your body says "hey, need some food here". How cool is that? It's all built right in. Love that.

And if no food is available at that second, you can be hungry for a while without death being imminent. I know. Shocking. Just shocking.

I've been reading enough of the Byron Katie information about "The Work" and watching enough of the videos on her website that the first two of the four questions that make up "the work" have started to appear in my mind kind of automatically, without even thinking about it. When I'm pouting about something, or nattering away at a worry or fuming about some sleight I'm sure someone has made and this question comes along "is this true?" my inner child answers. She's a pistol, that inner child. And surly. And I think maybe she has Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

"Yeah-hunh, totally true" she says. Hands on hips. Chin out. Eyes blazing. She is sure that whatever horrible thing the grown-up me thinks is going on is the whole truth.

It's a good thing. When I lived in that body, back all those years ago, that little girl was meek and mild and always, always, always the good little girl who made no trouble and was completely selfless, putting everyone else first every time. No wonder she wants to eat all the time, it's the only control she has over anything.

But then the second question pops into my head. "Is this really true?"

Then the little girl has to be honest. She defers a little to the older me and usually, almost always in fact, she has to admit that at least part of whatever horrible thing I'm thinking isn't actually true. The stories are complicated, and there are lots of reasons. Lots of truth.

Other things are good, too. Mindful working out has meant three big increases in the amount of weight I'm lifting, and I've been on a good solid schedule for a few months, really if I look back. The running makes my back hurt, so much so that it hurts all the time now, whether I'm running or using the cross trainer. I even had a dream last night about sleeping carefully so I didn't hurt myself more. So I'm on a home based anti-inflammatory and icing regimen and probably should buy new shoes, too. But I've found this setting on the cross trainer that (excuse my language) kicks my ass. Totally. But it's good, sweaty, hard work. The weather here has been stupid with more snow than I've seen in Seattle in our five years here. So the outside walks have been limited, but spring is bound to come for real, and more walks will come.

So it's all good. Maybe some love and attention will bring that O.D.D. little girl around. And all will be well. I just gotta keep paying attention.