Food on the Road

We had a lovely time in Hawaii, it was really nice. Yes, we missed two "Red Eye" flights trying to get to Europe. We toyed with going in and out of Amsterdam to get there, but when we calculated the taxes in and out the trip suddenly cost $1,500 more. Yep, No. So an hour before we were ready to leave to go to Amsterdam our heads came down out of the clouds and we pulled the plug on an international trip. It just cost too much money, there was no "free" going on there.

So we sat at the kitchen table and said "so kids, what should we do?"

"Let's just go to Hawaii"

"OK"

So we pulled out the jeans and sweaters, stuffed our suitcases with swim suits and sandals and shorts, called for a rental car, shifted our free hotel points for a hotel on Waikiki beach, grabbed our Hawaii maps and we were ready to go.

We flew over first class--they hand you Mai Tai's when you get on the plane in first class. And there are no taxes, if the flight is open, it is free. Wahoo!

The last time we went to Hawaii it was two weeks after we decided not to get divorced, after we moved back into the same house, after all the mess. This was three years ago. And I was thin, not the thinnest ever, but pretty happy with how I looked.

This time, I was not as thin, but maybe it's the age, maybe it's the shift in perspective. This time I knew I was one of the moms on the beach. I was there with my sons who are nearly men; of course I'm a mom on the beach. And it was fine. Good even.

I enjoyed the sun, loved the snorkeling, held my face to the gentle breeze and just relaxed into this good body that takes me places, is strong and healthy, is a part of me. But it is not the measure of me.

And the food was fascinating. Our lovely luxury hotel (free with points) had a cook to order breakfast, with good options for the Asian tourists which usually hold true for vegetarians, too. We ate big, huge breakfasts--miso soup, rice, tofu, poached eggs, tons of fruit. They had cook-to-order omelets. It was free! Eat lots! Good.

And there was an afternoon Manager's reception with free cocktails and snacky food. A couple of days that's all we really ate. Being out of our normal routine let us eat when we were hungry, and even with all the activity we were not very hungry very often. Two mornings I woke up after having no dinner and I was only mildly hungry.

How often do I eat by the clock? Pretty often here in my real life! Good lessons. Good stuff.

Now, it's time to start taking these things I've learned and moving toward fitting into the clothes I want to fit into. I think I'm ready to do this without compulsion, or disordered eating. Taking care of myself with kindness and a gentle touch.

Jinxed!

I thought saying here in this little blog where we were trying to go would be OK, that it wouldn't JINX the flights. No one really reads this blog, it's just for me. No aggregators, just a few subscribers (little wave to you three!) and you all are friends anyway.

NO! I was WRONG! The flight from Los Angeles to Minneapolis has filled up, FIFTY more people in the last day. I remember working the phones for an airline and sitting in that "Confos" room calling people who's flight had canceled, sometimes at midnight. I can't figure out if a flight from LA today has canceled, or they've changed to smaller planes or even if something originally scheduled out of Orange County has canceled? I don't know. What I do know is that our London books and Harry Potter research are worthless. We're not going to London. We can't get to Minneapolis or Detroit or Atlanta or anyplace domestically. And the only nonstop to London is on British Air, and they don't let us fly for free!

So, we are going out of Seattle, someplace. I'm not saying where! Don't make me tell you.

Or we're driving to Vancouver! Whatever!

But know what? It's not even making me want to eat. Now that is good. Very good.

Happy Dancing O-s of JOY!

Did I tell you what I did for my little O.D.D. girl? I went out and got the food for her that she really wants. The one her grandmother always kept for her, and poured into the pale green bowl with the spout. The food that no one else here eats and that is a little expensive.

I bought Cheerios. Just plain Cheerios--nothing fancy.
The first bowl made me laugh out loud. "It's like eating little dancing Os of JOY!" I told my family. This week I ate them for breakfast and lunch three days. Just with skim milk and no sugar. It made me downright giddy. Takin' care of yourself might be like that! Who knew? Well, now I do, and since you read this, maybe you will too.

Off to try to get to London on Sunday, through Los Angeles, and Minneapolis. Love stand by flying. Just love it! But wouldn't it be fun to go to London for three days with the boys?! Yep.

And, I'm just about to accept a new volunteer job. It's been a huge honor to even be asked, and I think I can do a good job, so we'll see when it comes time to say Y E S what I do, but I think I will.

Opositional Defiant Disorder and the Inner Child

Mindful March is making me mildly mad, maybe. I've been working hard on paying attention. Noticing things, being you know.....mindful. Interesting things come up when you pay attention.

When I don't eat, I get hungry. Now I know that normal people notice this every day all the time, but me and my sisters with disordered eating eat because we're stressed, or bored, or because you know, it's time to eat. Or because someone made coffee cake or put out chips and salsa. Or because we decided not to eat, so then it's all we can think about.

But you can just wait until your body says "hey, need some food here". How cool is that? It's all built right in. Love that.

And if no food is available at that second, you can be hungry for a while without death being imminent. I know. Shocking. Just shocking.

I've been reading enough of the Byron Katie information about "The Work" and watching enough of the videos on her website that the first two of the four questions that make up "the work" have started to appear in my mind kind of automatically, without even thinking about it. When I'm pouting about something, or nattering away at a worry or fuming about some sleight I'm sure someone has made and this question comes along "is this true?" my inner child answers. She's a pistol, that inner child. And surly. And I think maybe she has Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

"Yeah-hunh, totally true" she says. Hands on hips. Chin out. Eyes blazing. She is sure that whatever horrible thing the grown-up me thinks is going on is the whole truth.

It's a good thing. When I lived in that body, back all those years ago, that little girl was meek and mild and always, always, always the good little girl who made no trouble and was completely selfless, putting everyone else first every time. No wonder she wants to eat all the time, it's the only control she has over anything.

But then the second question pops into my head. "Is this really true?"

Then the little girl has to be honest. She defers a little to the older me and usually, almost always in fact, she has to admit that at least part of whatever horrible thing I'm thinking isn't actually true. The stories are complicated, and there are lots of reasons. Lots of truth.

Other things are good, too. Mindful working out has meant three big increases in the amount of weight I'm lifting, and I've been on a good solid schedule for a few months, really if I look back. The running makes my back hurt, so much so that it hurts all the time now, whether I'm running or using the cross trainer. I even had a dream last night about sleeping carefully so I didn't hurt myself more. So I'm on a home based anti-inflammatory and icing regimen and probably should buy new shoes, too. But I've found this setting on the cross trainer that (excuse my language) kicks my ass. Totally. But it's good, sweaty, hard work. The weather here has been stupid with more snow than I've seen in Seattle in our five years here. So the outside walks have been limited, but spring is bound to come for real, and more walks will come.

So it's all good. Maybe some love and attention will bring that O.D.D. little girl around. And all will be well. I just gotta keep paying attention.

Bad Day

Maybe it was the diet soda I drank yesterday. Or maybe it was the snow that fell and looked like a movie set with snow dumping from big overhead bins with fans blowing it around. Or maybe it was just life.

I had a bad day. From morning coffee to climbing into bed at noon and dreaming awful dreams about my husband leaving me and "end of days" inspired epic trauma, to hours of cooking a "meat pie" I couldn't even eat because I don't actually eat meat, it was just a bad day.



Sometimes I think about my grandmother who struggled her whole life with depression, how did she even make herself get out of bed? I have seasons of darkness, but not a lifetime. Poor woman. She had electro shock therapy and whatever they could try to do with drugs for her "nerves". I wonder what would have happened for her if she'd lived a few generations later than she did.

It's OK. We'll call it a day, and end with a wicked hot bath and a little silly TV all piled in the big bed. The kids' fighting makes me cringe but I like them close anyway.

And with Scarlett O'Hara inspired optimism, I'll fall asleep and know that after all, tomorrow is another day.


(just have to watch from 7mn.....)

Less

I have the best job on the planet. I work with children I adore, adults whom I respect and care deeply about, volunteers who are devoted to the same ideals I am and when I go to the Religious Education Council meetings, one of my very favorite two-year-olds in the world hangs out with me. Yesterday the little one insisted I couldn't braid her hair. Then life would have been perfect. Since I have only boys when a little girls let's me braid her hair I am in a pure and blissful heaven.

Everywhere, we're minimizing. Making do with less. Loving living in less.

Yesterday we agreed to a budget for RE that adds $7,000 in funding for staff over what we had last year. And our budget still comes in under what we asked for last year. We cut. Hard. But we put our money where our values are. Where our beliefs are. In people.

This is happening in our family too. Today we made homemade pizza with dough from scratch, using only ingredients we already had in our house. It was f a b u l o u s.

Then we watched Religilous. And hung out. People before things.

The food issue, the disordered eating has just settled--I am thinking that I might be crazy later, I might go over the edge again. Of course. But somehow the deep, painful, unreal stuff has lifted and the life that used to roil and rage underneath is calm, and kind of pale pink and it's floated up and joined the regular life. Wow.

Tomorrow we go spend the day at a Habitat build for our congregation, and my good friend is going to be at the build, too! Oh fun. Fun fun fun.

Simple. Good. Less.

March comes Marching

I really liked "Forgiveness February". It helped me focus and keep on moving forward without a distracting food based-weight based measuring stick.

So, what for March?

Minimizing March?

Mindful March?

Mucho Margarita March??! No, not that one.

I'm really feeling into the minimizing move right now. I know that people are scared about the economy and the future. Me? I don't think that there is any person on the planet that is more worried about what the future will bring. There are people who have gotten the bad news and are worse off, lost jobs, foreclosure, bad bad things. We are just here in the foggy mist of unknown future, shaky job, less savings that we should have, and wonderful young men who are all three days away from going to college. I'm scared. My dear husband is scared. We are canceling and cutting and saving pennies every place we can. Well, until the next round comes and we cut the boys' Tae Kwon Do and the YMCA and all meat and everything but rice and beans.

So we're minimizing. Less of everything. Less driving, less lights on, less stuff, less complication. Less going. Less doing. More being.

I think this is it.

Mindfully Minimal March. Mmmmm.

And if we still are in this place of worry at the end of March, well, at least we won't have gotten bad news yet. There is much to be thankful for. Mindfully. And minimally!

All good. It's all good.