Maybe just a pause.
It's not totally intentional. Just life and some three hour spans of insomnia, and other things that make me feel like sludge. No, I don't know what sludge really is, but it's a fantastic word.
Other things like fighting with my spouse. No, not real fighting. Just that discussion that is the same one we've had for 15 or 20 years. If one of us had the presence of mind to actually record it someday we could stop at the beginning of a disagreement and exclaim "HEY! Get the recording, we don't actually have to do this, we can go out for coffee while the discussion happens without us!"
I have every confidence that it has nothing to do with the hours there in my bed, waiting to fall back asleep for hours and hours. And having to actually function the next day.
OK, it has everything to do with that.
Sleep is the biggest drug of all, I am totally addicted and if I don't get it, I do go a little bit ballistic.
But I have to pull out the gratitude journal and remember so many things more than the three I make myself write every day. (yes, warm slippers can be on the list 46 days in a row)
Now, the things I eat when I'm in a bad place are things like toast. TWO slices. And the potato soup instead of the vegan chili.
OOOooooo! Trouble!
I remember when it meant fast food drive thru and pints of ice cream and so much food that I really didn't feel anything. Thank God that isn't what this is. This is swimming through fatigue and eating brown rice and spinach and mushrooms for breakfast with a poached egg over the top because I know that there will be BREAD around later in the day. Come on. I rock.
I am grateful that I'm OK. I'm grateful that two days ago it was almost... (shhh, don't say it too loud) easy to run a mile and a half straight through. I only got a little hot. No big deal. I'm grateful that my husband and I can even joke about the recording of our discussions. Grateful for intelligent children, and good friends and jobs and food and firewood outside, just in case. Grateful that I had a wonderful dog for so many, many years. Grateful that I have friends who trust me enough to come over and do their laundry and throw their children in the big bathtub and hang out with me while they deal with their septic system issues.
It's good. It's only a little pause. I'll sleep again someday. It will all be good. And really it's so much better already, I'm wickedly grateful for that.
3 comments:
Oh, sweetie, I hope you get that well deserved rest. It DOES make all of the difference.
And, just for the record, potato soup is not my version of falling off the wagon. My version involves eating all but about 6 of the Newman's Own "oreo" cookies that a dear woman dropped off for us....in two days. Just because. If this doesn't frighten you, I can tell you about entire loaves of garlic bread that have disappeared mysteriously during pity parties before. (Not this go-round, thankfully.)
You're doing okay, my dear, you're going to be just fine. AFTER you rest. I'm sure of it!
Hi Kari,
I'm sorry for the loss of your dog. I've experienced it and it hurts. It does get easier though with some time.
I did a search for UU bloggers and found your blogs. I like your writing style and I feel like we've got a few things in common. I have three girls, 23, 20, 16 and I'm married to my high school sweetheart. We have just officially joined the UU Congregation of Fairfax, Va after many years of uncommitted "visiting" and we're so happy to have finally made the step.
Best,
Sara
Nice to meet you Sara, I look forward to reading more of your blog.
And thanks Kristina. You rock!
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