I just got back from the grocery store, I was out to buy the fixin's for making granola for a yogurt parfait sale tomorrow at church. So, while I was there I figured I would pick up a few things for the family, too. But yesterday was my dog Emma's last day alive. It was a good day, it was time and it was awful and beautiful. And today at the store I couldn't find the peanut butter. Really, at the Fred Meyer I go to four times a week.
I'm a little lost without my sweet dog as a touchstone in my life.
She was the best dog, ever. You know what it's like if you've had a dog that you loved, and if that dog lived for you. She was my dog, oh she was all of ours of course, but she followed me everywhere, and she would sit looking out the window for hours waiting for me to come home. She snuggled like only a 40 pound fur ball can. This was love. True, full, selfless love. I miss her.
I am taking it as a sign. Since Emma isn't here to love me in person any longer, I guess I had just better learn to follow myself around and adore myself. If I was worth the devotion of the best dog on earth, then I must be worth my own time and attention. So, I'm on a mission.
I am going to learn to treat myself like my dog would have liked to treat me.
This plan includes fantastic and wonderful food, in people sized portions. It includes long naps and longer walks. There must be cozy fires in the fire place and delicious books that just simply must be read. It has a class or two to improve my mind and fun evenings with friends. There should be good camping trips to beautiful places and hours and hours of writing time. Fine tea, freshly ground coffee, small bits of excellent creamy chocolate and the right wine to go with all if it, too.
And gentle, loving, adoring care every single day.
I have gotten two books in the mail from my ordering spree from Amazon, now: "Love Yourself Thin" by Victoria Moran (she's recently updated it and it will be published I think this spring--but even this old one is excellent) and "When Food is Love" by Geneen Roth, which I have not yet read, but her blogs are wonderful. I signed up for the Oprah "Best Life" series of webinars. I've been a downright regular at the Y, me and my spiffy new shower shoes by the way, yeay me. And even with the loss of my dog, I'm doing OK with food. I really want to just stay a nice normal size, just a little bump down from where I am right now.
At the maze-like grocery store trip, I picked up the new People magazine with it's requisite "HALF THEIR SIZE" article. It has a little blurb about Oprah and her recent weight gain, and it also had a photo gallery of her during her ups and downs. It could be me. I'm so ready to just slow the curve and actually just settle in at a nice, normal weight. Normal BMI. Room for a little chocolate, a lot of walking, some margaritas with friends. And no food psychosis. Happiness. Fulfillment. Spirit. Focus on real life, and not food or points or calories. Just life.
It's what my dear old dog would have wanted.