Sometimes when I try

Danger, danger, danger! I have an upcoming event, you know an event. Something I'd really like to go to looking nice, looking my best. You know what that means. Looking.....thin. I'm trying so hard not to let it spin out into the mushroom cloud of compulsive not-eating. Sometimes when I try hard though it's the worst.

My husband has been asked to be on a panel of adult adoptees for a discussion following the movie "Adopted". He really is a good person to sit on a panel. He's intelligent, articulate, a powerful mid-life man that people (read white adoptive parents) may listen to more than other folks who may be on the panel. But his story isn't pretty. Our story isn't pretty. It's horribly painful. And the scary thing is that there are parts of the prep for this panel that sound just like the beginning of the long slide to divorce mediation and separation from five years ago. I'm trying to trust and hold love and light in my heart and hands. But oh ouch. And scary.

So, if this event goes off, and I get to go and sit in the audience and listen to my husband try to be careful and kind in talking about this painful issue in his life; I hope that I can focus on supporting him and loving him and holding myself in care, too. But it might be a tough couple of weeks as we bounce along facing these things again, facing the pain of the past, trying to find a way forward in forgiveness and love. And the food might be tough.

I started my "Morning Pages", writing three pages of stream of consciousness stuff. We'll see how it goes. So far so good. The other thing that "The Writing Diet" asks so far is a daily food journal. We'll see how that goes, I am not sure I want to focus on food, but for now it might be good to do. Or maybe I'll have to write down everything I eat for the rest of my life--a years long history of bananas and yogurt topped with granola. That's so exciting, like glue drying. And I still can't find a good yoga class, but I started running again. Yes, my back hurts a little more but it hurts if I don't run, too. So I might as well run a little.

So I guess the answer for now is to hold on and try to keep a balance between the very busy days and the fear. And to try to live into the love and the light. And to keep cheese and tortilla chips and white pasta in check. Still so much better than the days of drive thru and ice cream. Life is this funny long process, and I guess we just never do get it just right. Just right enough is all I'm hoping for.

Eating like no one ever loved me!

Last week was not a good week. I thought I was doing OK with food and self care, but in hind sight? Bread with butter is not actually self care. Sometimes I can talk myself into the stupidest things! It's not a big deal, and I'm doing OK, but wow, when that circle talk gets going, I can really ride along.

I don't like living without my spouse in the house, and when his leaving is preceded by big fights, caused of course because he's leaving, I really have a bad time of it. When he got home last weekend and we were de-briefing about the week I told him "I ate like no one has ever loved me". I didn't even notice that that's what I had done, but once the words were out, I realized just how true it was. But hey, I caught myself. And that really is everything. Not being perfect. But catching the imperfections, offering care, kindness and forgiveness and movin' on.

I was a little worried though. So I did actually step on the scale. Five pounds down since the last time. OK, it's not good to step on the scale, and I'll try not to, but I admit. It was a relief to get some outside affirmation that I didn't just put on a huge amount of weight. After all, I talked myself into believing that bread and butter is self care. Come on, I'm a pretty fast talker. I might have gone out and bought a larger size of jeans without telling myself. THAT might have been why they still fit.

OK, not all sane, but not all insane either. See? Good stuff.

So for this week, I really am taking care of myself. I decided that it's a clean eating week, all whole foods, no processed foods (LIKE BREAD!) and lots of good tea. I thought it was going to be a less busy week, but it turns out it's just going to be a different busy week. So, brown rice and beans and fruit and veggies and oats and tea. Good stuff, mister. Good stuff. All of it.

Adolescent Gorillas

It's been a turmoil-hurricane in my life this week. My husband's gone to his new job and this is how life will be now. I've got a whole extra piece of life that has added a huge pile of busy days and work and a load of emotional baggage from 20 years-ago to deal with. And I live with adolescent boys.

When I was pregnant with those same adolescent boys a decade and a half ago give or take a few years, I came to a realization. Mother nature has designed pregnancy well. That last month of being pregnant is so uncomfortable and inconvenient and awful, frankly, that you will do anything to be done being pregnant. Like say--give birth.

I think maybe adolescence is the same in some ways. The last few years of it becomes so intolerable that you will do anything to be done with it. Like say--let your son move away and go to college.

It's not really that bad, but my three sons are like these teenaged gorillas:



And it is getting old. My oldest son will likely move out after next year. So things are as they should be. He can go show his teeth to other young men out in the world and decide who is the strongest or the smartest or who has the most earning potential.

I am aware that I need to find some ways to take care of myself even more just now, and the time has evaporated.

Prioritize. Organize.

And be kind and forgiving with the imperfections. I can always count on the imperfections.

Blessings from the path of compulsive eating

Oh please will someone come to my house and bop me on the head. I'll even hand you the big plastic bat. My gosh.

I just bought a shiny, new diet book.

But I heard it on NPR, it must be good! (can you hear the whining?)

It all started yesterday when I was getting ready for the day, listening to NPR, making a tofu-pepper-onion-scramble with sliced bananas and blueberries on the side. There was this report on Morning Edition "Diet Books: Fat on Profits, Skinny on Results?" I started thinking back over the different books and programs I've done and which ones worked and for how long.

There was Weight Watchers last year when I thought I was fixed from the big food problems and was now a normal person. I saw that what normal people did when they wanted to loose a few pounds was to go to Weight Watchers. Now I know many people love ww, by best friend for one, who is now a size six for the first time since childhood. Good, glad it's a good fit. Thrilled for you! But for me all that focus on food was exactly NOT the thing I needed. It re-energized the food compulsions, granted I was compulsive about points and low points and managing it, and the scale. But still, compulsion. I lost 20 some pounds and while they didn't all come back, the compulsion is still not calmed down. It was not good, I am not a "normal" person when it comes to food.


Six years before ww there was "Body for Life" and this was good, I learned a lot about exercise. What I remember most was the 12 week program with six days a week of high intensity working out. You alternate strength training arm days and leg days with core work every day, and interval cardio. Lots of cardio. I didn't miss a work out the whole 12 weeks, but then my husband was in the throes of getting ready to leave me, so I might have had some outside push there. Oh and the free day! One day a week--FREE! No exercise and you eat anything. That was nice to fit in things like real peanut butter. I lost 20 pounds--the last bit left from the big loss and was down to a solid size 6-8 after this one--for five years holding onto a size 8-10.

About three years before that I lost the most weight and it's stayed off. I read "Love Yourself Thin" by Victoria Moran, which I think she's about to re-release. I became a vegetarian and began to know the spiritual connection between the food we put in our mouth and the food that becomes our blood and skin and brain cells. I lost about 40 pounds. I had self defined "clean days" not her word but mine, when I ate only food that really still looked the way it had looked when it grew. This was good stuff. The current recovery from Weight Watchers has brought back the biggest piece I learned with "Love Yourself Thin" I wake every morning and pray "thank you for helping me let go of compulsive eating", because even though it's been bad, it's never been as bad as it used to be.

Sometime before that was "Thin for Life" which taught me about low fat substitutes. That's about all. I lost 20 pounds and gained it right back.

Before that I had stabs of weight loss--one week sprints of eating almost nothing and losing 10 pounds. Yes, I still wish for those moments sometimes, but like you might wish for the revisiting of a night with a man that is really bad for you, I know it's not good. In high school I took diet pills and drank tons of diet coke, but I was never thin or healthy.

I remember being put on a diet as a small child. Maybe age 5 or 6? I know my mother was trying to save me from the pain of being a fat child, but to be served yogurt and carrots when all the other kids at daycare were eating cheesy noodles was humiliating. I still sometimes play that scene when I'm feeling really low.

When I look back over the hills and valleys I can see it has been a long and fascinating journey. I'm lucky that I don't weigh 300 pounds. I'm lucky that I don't weigh 200 pounds. I'm lucky that I can shop at regular stores on the regular size racks. I'm lucky to have beautiful friends and a fabulous family. I've been very lucky. I feel deeply blessed.

So why? Why buy yet another diet book? Well, I wasn't going to certainly. I was going to look at the link on NPR's website and link to it here in my blog in this history of diet books and programs. But I read a little of Julia Cameron's introduction to her book. She's the woman who wrote "The Artist's Way" and along with "TAKE A YOGA CLASS" orders from God, I've been hearing "WRITE MORNING PAGES" orders being whispered--Julia Cameron's plan in "The Artist's Way" and as it turns out, this new book. Maybe it's my inner spirit, or my subconscious. But I don't think that's any different than God. So I bought it.

We'll see how it goes. I don't want to be on TV in a bikini (have you seen Valerie Bertanelli?) I just want my back to hurt a little less. I want to move a little easier. I want to be a little more fit. And I want to let go of using food for anything other than you know, feeding myself.

May it be so.

Four Weeks

Can you hear that Bare Naked Ladies Song? It's been, one week....




well. It's been about four weeks since I weighed myself. I thing Geneen Roth is on to something, here. It does feel free. I am almost ready to paste a "126" on my scale, she says if you really need to see some number on the scale well then paste it there. Somehow I've always wanted to weigh 126 (I'm 5'8") and don't think it would be healthy at all, but what the heck? Why not? Lately though, I have found myself chewing things and thinking "now, why am I chewing this and just how did it get into my mouth?"

That's not so good. Where I'm trying to catch myself is right at that very moment. No shame, no blame, no taking a second bite. Just awareness that it doesn't feel good to me to eat something I didn't mean to. A breath. Noticing how it feels and trying to learn from it. I guess it's a part of taking care of myself, not doing things that make me feel bad.

That is so far from eating a cup full of chocolate chips to deal with stress. Rock on, Kari.

Mindful March was OK, I still have a few things to deal with from Forgiveness February. April? Awareness April. Noticing. Awakening. Maybe it's Awakening April.

Whatever it is, my husband is probably going to be starting his new job today, if the negotiations go well with HR. Then he'll be gone for two weeks starting next Monday. Then he'll be gone for two weeks at a time all the time. I am very sad about it. As thankful as I am that he will have work (likely), I will miss him. The key to functioning well is probably being tidy and organized. Those are not my strengths. Either one. So, it's time to grow a little and get things settled with a good strong schedule.

For some reason the answer to all of these questions seems to be "yoga class". I love when I get those Holy Spirit pokes. "Hey, take a yoga class. Hello, YOGA class. Woo Hoo, find a yoga class...."

OK, I guess I'll go find a yoga class and then I'll mess around with Google Calendar a little more to see if it can manage my schedule for me. Like the guy who put the motor home on cruise control then went back to the galley to make a sandwich. "What? I put it on cruise control?"

Blessed Monday!